Time To Dig Deep

This morning Dr. Cahill and Middleton did a broncoscopy where they insert a scope down the ventilation tube to see the inside of the throat and lungs.  Dad was a bit sedated and couldn't feel it or see the screen and I was excited that they let me stay in the room and watch the procedure.  When the camera went over to the right lung, you could see that there was some black goop that looked like caviar as well as some yellow gooberish stuff.  Cahill said this was the infection that they're treating with antibiotics, but they actually seemed relieved and said it's still okay, that they might be able to remove the ventilation tube tomorrow morning.   I have so many thoughts in my head that I could write about Dr. Cahill and the amazing team she is working with, but it deserves it's own post entirely, which will come soon, I promise.  Let's just say for now that today I saw her as more than my Dad's doctor and the head of a large transplant team - I saw her as one of my Dad's dear friends who truly lives to help him and other's like him live.  She is as invested and worried and concerned as we all are, and yet she probably has a dozen other patients just like him to look after.  See?  Don't get me started ....

Bryan and Janalyn came up from St. George again tonight and will be heading back tomorrow afternoon - they're awesome.  Dad's really wearing down mentally and kept writing questions wondering if the tube will ever come out.  He's losing patience and is so exhausted, but from what we hear from other lung transplant patients, it's to be expected.

As much as I love the times that I've had to sit alone with my Dad by his bed and just hold his hand, or close my eyes and rest, I also really have loved being in his room with just one or both of my brothers.  They are the only two people on this earth who have the same relationship as I do with my Dad and they love him the same way I do.  We have so many of the same memories and stories of Dad - he's a part of each of us that is special and timeless.  There's a quote I love by Clara Ortega about siblings:

"To the outside world we all grow old.  But not to brothers and sisters.  We know each other as we always were.  We know each other's hearts.  We share private family jokes.   We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.  We live outside the touch of time."

Bryan and I were able to sit with him in his darkened room tonight and just hold Dad's hand for awhile while he rested - no talking, just letting him rest and feel us there.  I had been feeling a little down and hopeless about things this afternoon, but that time spent with the two of them gave me just the boost I needed to stay positive and be strong for Dad in the morning.  Carter and I have had similar opportunities to spend quality time with him and Carter's strength and optimism are always a comfort.

As we were leaving for the night, Dad wrote down a question asking if we brought his music.  Bryan had some headphones for him and I had a playlist of some of his favorite MoTab music, some George Winston and Paul Cardall piano stuff and some of his favorite classical music.  I think Dad knows it will help him relax, focus and dig deep as he feels himself getting discouraged.   Even when he's discouraged, he's still fighting.  Amazing.